I am sitting here on Sunday morning thinking back on what last week has brought me and what I have to be thankful about. I have a wonderful family, food in my cupboards and a roof over my head. I am relatively healthy and am able to keep myself busy most days. I have battled with depression off and on most of my life two very bad episodes that put me off work for many months. Just could not cope with anything in my life. Frustrated, angry, the feeling of being alone, no one to count on, not able to cope with normal everyday things that life throws at you. It is debilitating.
The first time the depression manifested itself in my back. The pain was excruciating and I cried every time I moved. My doctor forced me to take a bus to see him and to sit for an hour and talk to him. My doctor was a GP but also a psychologist a rare thing in this day and age having a doctor who cared enough to spend more than the billable 15 minutes and one ailment appointment. Prozac was the popular drug of choice at the time but I found myself sitting in front of the TV hours on end nothing accomplished in the day so I did it without drugs except ones to deal with the pain in my back. I learned the coping mechanisms and the warning signs of the beginning to slide down that slippery slope into the depths of depression. It worked for a very long time. I knew some of my triggers and faced them head on or at least I thought I did.
When my mom passed away it was not for a year that I realized that I was functionally depressed. I was still working but I was not my self. Snapping at people, emotionally vacant or to much there, no balance – yes a little manic. I finally went to the doctor and was prescribed medication same issues as before no focus, no idea or cared about anything…Talking to the doctor he realized the dose was too high and gave me something else. Three prescriptions later we finally found the right balance I was on the lowest dosage that would just take the edge off that took 5 months. 5 months of feeling like a zombie. I was lucky I had coworkers who got it and I did not feel guilty at having to take time off. They just wanted me healthy.
Remember it is important to breathe and look around you outside yourself. You are part of the universe and it is OK to admit you need support/assistance whatever that means to you. Talk about depression even if it is in general terms and you will find you are not alone. Try to follow through but if you can’t don’t let it consume you with guilt…life is too short.
I am an artist and have a emotional side. I cry at commercials. I am passionate about what I do. I love it when people like/love my work and need to have it in their collections. I love color and believe everyone needs more color in their lives it is just something that makes me happy.